Showing posts with label engaged. Show all posts
Showing posts with label engaged. Show all posts

Tuesday, 10 March 2020

The Week off catchup

Well, it been 2 months of 2020 and actually things have been a bit of a shock for me which most things I can't even talk about but well its time for catching up and well also telling how plans went for a week to myself on the first week of March.


February


We leave after the day of Visiting a customer and a potential meetup failing which actually made complete sense and also caused alot of stress due to the events of the fact of the PayPal scam, now things were a bit of a broken state for reasons I can't talk about. But it was actually trying to knuckle down with the work side of things since it was quiet for most customers wise and suppliers I had to pay off and it was taking time to get that sorted  But the soles I had from that day out were no way sticking down to the bottom as they should, I used the Zhlainda glue B-7000 to repair it and still to this day as (only 1 month later) it fits and has not moved.





But it was nice with some good food about with a friend getting me some for loaning her a Huawei mi-fi pebble and also the plans to change my hair were being prepared, It turned out electric blue was to win on this one.








Which then from there I had also to sell the Xiaomai 6A due to my dad's laptop screen breaking which means I couldn't use that but it also means it can make it easier to plan to get the right laptop for streaming but saying that as I realise the micro USB Port the tbox Mini plus sadly broke off too.  Which that weekend I also had been lectured by CC  that you cant feed girls to get them to like you which means I was meant to try a different approach but in some ways, I'm not allowed to explain, I don't have to look for a relationship anymore and I should be waiting and supporting a friend.


But it was also good due to the fact I managed to get the video review for the Mi Band 4 up and its got some lovely quirks with it.





The band

Getting it to charge



But alas with that weekend being away it was working as normal, both jobs with not sleeping until 1am, wasting computer power on a site like Gener8 which yes i've made 500 gener8 currency in a month but I can't even spend it without referring friends and making 2 people click the link . But it was also the time of another storm, #stormciara which means more rain to cope with sadness, which soon the rain was going to be too much for alot of people. For me, it meant just having to cycle a different way home due to a path blocked by a tree.






But it was shortly another customer to help out with and plan then suddenly I get this random phone call from Natwest. So they call and then to tell me that apparently, I had money out of my account according to try them and then we arrange a callback, turns out after arguments and stupid OTP codes, I did get scammed by a Mr Dribbler and a Mr Poroski so that was a panic call to the actual fraud team the morning after and well thank fuck they got that amount back of £1500.




So with that happening, it was feeling that maybe things will have to change in the next few weeks and make choices of where I stay and who I settle for and also with new promotions appearing, it was time to order Big mac sauce and for £10.35 I managed to get 5 pots delivered to me. 



It was so tempting to not use them all but I did once Pancake day was over. But until then it was also time to get a holder ot use the Note 7 for something new and exciting. Since I was mean to meet and use the tripod with her but well since that meetup never happened. But instead, it gave me a plan,





This was the plan of using the Google camera app for the Note 7 to see if I can make some night photos look amazing and well, I think the results show for themselves, these were taken about midnight. And yes nothing happened for valentines day at all since people that have made the effort were there for me








But it was taking time to get that work sorted. Yes, black Friday was a nightmare due to taking a £4,000 PayPal working capital loan out for work and actually, it took 85 days to pay that. And well the day I paid it off, work had refunds to deal with which means the second job was paying for that due to overdraft concerns. But it sometimes helps to habe that one phone call with that special friend who is there for you but being there for them is important as well.










But then it was the pots arriving which did cheer me up and it was time to get the taste of Big mac which i've not had since the trip home from London ,

The pots of Big Mac sauce for £10.39










But the world was braving for the strain of Corona, more floods have devastated the world up the north of the uk which more of these storms are getting common. But ir was also nice to finally have nice late meals after long days at work, since sure Chatting to the amazing friends that help me out and also having reflections about leaving feabie once and for all was on the cards here too.






But it was also time to make that new signout pose known, the thumbs-up is now gone since it has to from others used it which gives a bad rep actually, labelling I would class that as actually. But we have it here anyway





Now during one of the visits I had that previous weekend, I was meant to play Fortnite with some fans and also the customer, But i've had no room to download fornite and well it means for me its not possible to which that will be in the later months if I decide to do it, since maybe this blog will be for thoughts about things I can talk about soon.


But it also meant I can get an afternoon off to purchase what i need for things to work the way I want them too,











But also it was turning out that family treasures to be sold off and also a cancer time developed with my grandad's fiance which is something that will always affect others and things will take their turn for the worse especially if the motivation is not there, but we can always hope, but with news that will hurt me in ways I won't realise just yet, that might cheer her spirits.

But then it was Pancake Day. Finally, time to use the tripod for filming I thought, but sadly glass was not for this one






But it was some nice combos and filling to say the least, I did use a whole box to myself so like 8 pancakes made 3.

The Pancakes 

It was a shame glass messed up when wanting to film it, but we got around it in the end.
Then it was finally the last few days in Feburary, more delays on repairs making stress high and work bills being there and making trouble for me later in this year. Friends also having the times i can't talk about but it gave me a memory of the events of what happened with Charley when the last day I ever saw her. But what I was not prepared for, on who it was meant to remind me of. 


I was caining the second job and making that money for someone special too. But there were new things on TV, I was in the south Park binging since my NowTV entertainment pass for sharing was never well shared. But you have ot focus to make that money for plans you will have to go through to make it work. 







But alas it was finally time to purchase the things for the project of change next wee and BOY there were changes




We now headed into March after solving customer questions and well things were going to be changing

March


Well, first things first, I left feabie, it was time to move on, things never worked out on that site and really from how much i've spent on girls from there (over £1000 in 5 years) and really i've only ever met 7 people from there and only 2 I met on a one and one basis (well actually 1 if you forget one since I knew her before feabie since I introduced her to it).

Yes, it was time to leave feabie and start changes to finally see if something real can happen since the incidents and also a feeling either Karla never existing which broke me along with various changes that community puts up with and also that fact with it was taking too much of my time up as well. But that 1 am time was a chance to leave

That time to leave


Then it was onto getting the Scale filmed and that didn't turn out too bad, of course, it has a simple use and also makes it easier but well I did get new batteries for it from work., But also it was good ot fit a better master socket to improve the broadband.

Before the socket

Fitted and cable from the shop/lockup







The Scale

The stats



When it leads me to the next few days by myself, which sadly I was working for most of them, but I managed to finally get the scaled video done but that was a delay in its own right since customers we're calling me up from work left right and centre and even had fo pop out just after I got home, which then I just had food and then relaxed and crashes out. But I did take the dog our and did some more amazing night shots

That is night vision there 

The shooting stars and the sun

The purple skiy


Then t comes to the Tuesday and it ass a long day at work with various bits fo sorting out and also paying for orders I shouldn't have purchased which out rent and things later than normal but it all got paid in the end, like yes I felt it was bad but that was the night I got the video up at 5 am since Wednesday was looking like a day off as far as I know. Then Wednesday I woke up at 10:30 after fapping and only 4 hours sleep, since it was just too hitting for me to deal with and a new Sony rep called and we chatted for a bit before I walked Rosie for more balls as usual.



The first thigh was craving for a sausage and bacon sandwich which was to be cooked via the sandwich maker and we'll people did not like the preparation of that, not one bit, but it was nice to eat even if I should have left if cooking for longer than the 10 minutes  indeed

Preparing the toastie




But then it was finally time to get something done, by done I mean the hair audit was a tricky one to film without the risk of staining the house in blue





but I managed it in small forms and got it bleached first, a bit of string was the first to happen but that's due to the haircut I was sadly having on Sunday before this occurred.

The bleaching started

Another pose with the blonde hair


Then if as time came for the blue and thay I did outside since it was easier to cope with the effects around instead of having it inside the house, but then it was time for one last dog walking and also then editing for the night and then a friend was going to call so we could catch up on what has happened which I'm not allowed to say

Now as well as this, it turns out that I could have the chance fo cook something amazing which I did with tempura battered seaweed, chips and also then some chicken rest for good measure sd well since I was hungry.

Insert pics here

Then it was the Thursday and bother day in work and also a camera to set up so rip the mi camera since that was going to a better place for a customer to feel safe.

Then I got home and more dogwalking commenced which was casual and then it was finally some time off chores and also clothes to organise and jeans to cut, which I did that while watching birds of prey, sonic, then MIb International which then less me fo finish at all at 2:30 am and yes no productivity was poor and I should have done more but soon I get to.

Insert pics here

Then it was the final day and I was happy, I felt myself again with lush hair and also cut jeans even in the cold weather but I felt I could work and then sure a big of arguments probably happening after work when I  got home but little did I know I was in for a feeling of major anxiety,

The shoes and the cut jeans

Now then, I come home and walk Rosie on tv railway kind this time to make it easier and see some views of muddy cuttings a preparing for what could happen but then they arrived and got greeted and no drama about the hair. we caught up and charred. Rosie was being back fo fully normal in this case. Also, they had starburst which I nearly ate the best of the contents in the packed since the fruit gum add amazing.

The muddy path

The views of the other side of Tavistock 


Sooner after the onion and got chocolate omelette, my sister's boyfriend came over and we all chatted and then had said something and my sides just flared up in anxiety. He asked for me dad's blessing to marry and those 3 were talking and he did say to me ill look after her but that's not what was making me on edge.



 well since it was this time 5 years ago Charley got engaged which hurt and also since it also reminded me of how I lost Emma it just makes me realise I can't feel comfortable going to the wedding and I need to firmly write to her on not being involved, sooner rather than last minute but I know if I go through with this and end up by myself at that wedding it will fucking hurt and if something between me and someone doesn't work out then well I don't know what ill do and well it just puts me in nerve edge about it all.

 but all I can say at the point is if night be the closure of walking away with no goodbye that can really affect me and yes I never had the chance and just had to move on but it comes to a point where being in your own just can't bring you happiness and yes it's a problem that I might have to get therapy for this and also to be able to understand the sex aspect like why something simple like a condom is difficult to use and how sex works plus so I can understand what to do and so I can cope being there which sounds fucking stupid but sometimes it's either that or something like a sick note
I mean I completely understand why the engagement is going to happen but it's just for me a fragile time and memories and if just feels like it's 2020 going on 2015 with repeat and I feel the best for me is to just distance myself from situations like this and also yes I mean recently I've learned a lot of things and we'll feel close to finding love but hurdles can feel too much

But then if was working n the Saturday and realising things im going to have to deal with and work has been piling up so it's not being anything fo do but the time restraint are not there the tea and evening that let me get the second job done to make some money.

But Sunday came and still a bit of crying from worries in my head and it was nice to take and get some things and like walk the dog and clean the bike, but as we were walking, my dad nearly chucked the dogs ball in rope at my mom and when she was not happy about it histories off back to the car and both of us followed, so only waking for 12 minutes. Then if wax a pasty for lunch and then they went out so I had the chance to clean the bike

The bike before cleaning

The present for my nan


The bike too alot of spraying and cleaning int various losses I don't normally clean but the sun was then a shower then another bit of sun and nice to have google home blasting out my favs sings youtube playlist eventually an hour and a bit later it was all sorted.

after the bike clean 


Then since fine ass out it took a bit longer to prepare to go to my hands for an early birthday visit, but we left at 4:29 odd and then we caught up and chatted for a few hours, so I was falling asleep a bit when mum was casting the pics of the trip to the tv. Eventually, it ass 6 pm and we made our day home but got an android tv box from my grandad so I could use some app I was setting up in customers fire tv stick after he had an amazing idea of a mast with wireless for a better 4G signal.

on the way back


But then was got home and it was to get things sorted out and that box was setup since of the box mini using the same power cable then tea and a bath before things were to be typed up before a long day of working on Monday.

Then it as a Monday, I felt tired and drained and yet it was another visit go Calstock, like meters be honest here I was planning to try again as I did a month ago but since both of us haven't talked since the 28th I just felt there was no point to ask so it was a visit and bus home after upgrading from vista to 10 which is at least a 4-hour job it took 7 hours, just after the wifi started to work and then I was in the rain to catch the last bus home.


And there we have it, thin


It was also nice to chat to a really good friend I did make on feabie and ended up getting a £26.99 platter which was from a just eat gift card for someone else but I and she didn't talk much even though I try to reach out to her so meeting probably might never happen.

But actually, it took 7 hours, just after the wifi started to work and then I was in the rain to catch the last bus home and I did get it luckily,





Then it was time to greet parents and see how they were and if my sister did get engaged but I've not seen that on WhatsApp so lucky so far. But then it was a nice takeout or just something battered before I relaxed and then prepared for work as normal tomorrow


Well there we got and sadly, there has been no improvement on the New Year resolutions and well it didnt work out which hopefully that will change but now of this news, it will be unlikely.

I will see you soon and fill you in when i managed to start therapy for the anxiety.

omracer












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Thursday, 27 February 2014

The shattered dreams for a quest for love

So, it comes to the final week in febuary, times haven't changed that much, the weather is still quite stormy every other day, i'm still owed the £900 and i've been told to await payment, girls are getting knocked up every other days then soon things turn for the worse in the things in life you were paranoid would happen, happen at the worst time. But although i'm reluctant to rant about this, this is important and crucial to the search where this blog was to sum up, so its needed.

So it was a Tuesday morning, the weather was mixed, although it was sunny blue sky, there was a bas class of spitty rain, now this was worrying me to be able to get into town and sort out an extra birthday present for charley as well to get a belated valentines for the one girl i've missed and whos really been on my mind, maybe shes become into my dream girl in various ways, maybe i was turning to her while the money situation was on my mind, to keep me sane, or at least feel happy. But the weather became better so i headed out and cycled to wagamamma's to get the gifts. It was a nice ride, it did take longer than i thought, but i got there, only mildly soaked and that was as i got into town.


View Larger Map

So i got there and it was quite nice, sure the weather was a bit damp but that would be the least on my mind afterwards.
Outside Wagamamma's in Royal William Yard

So i walked in there and there was a blonde bbw serving, she was nice and was nice enough to colour code the cards, i loaded up £20 on each, paid in cash, luckily i got paid £70 for buying a £35 320GB laptop hard drive for a friend of my sisters and get his laptop up and running, that and i've not been topping up on my card until i've had the money back, which has almost been for 4 weeks now :@. Anyways i walked out and got the cards
The Cards i bought. its a nice style for a common card
Now this was when i found out, the one thing i had been dreading for months, Emma got engaged. 
I instantly knew this was going to hurt, i still wish it never happened, but it did, i felt tears and instantly weak. This wasn't good, well for her it is of course, since she gets happy but for someone that would of done almost anything to be with her and this means alot. So i travelled back into town, tears were out of my eyes but i had to push on. I got into town, then parked the bike and went for a toilet, i couldn't keep this in, i slammed my head on the cubicle door thrice, i hated what just happened. The next bit was trying to keep myself together when writing out her belated card. I was shaking as i was by the lottery stand, i wanted to baul my eyes out, maybe i'm over exaggerating but this was alot of happiness just grabbed and kicked to the ground.

Now this was time to actually do this and do what i wanted to get done, although what i wrote was different to what i wanted to write, it was the only thing i could think, but i walked in to maisie's work and after borrowing a pen from a black makeup artist, i wrote a note to her to ask to deliver it and left it under the card reader then walked out and waited in cex for a while, after about 10 minutes looking at phones and ipods, Pete, James and Nath walked in, we said hi and then i was nervy and then after pete asked what i got from wagammas, i told him and nearly burst again, i didn't want them to see that but my emotions were running high. But then it was waiting around and nath was planning to trade in his lover's 360 slim to get a xbone then trade that in for £300 to buy a ps4 for £225, its a long shot but it could work. Then we walked around town for a bit and ended up in Mcdonalds for the afternoon, i didn't feel hungry at all, especially after losing her, so it was pretty much chatting about various things, from geeky stuff to even finding out Bronti and Sash want to do a day out within 2 weeks, i felt skeptical but shes wanting to do something which i should take up on, especially since next week, last year was the first night i saw emma and was in her car, which we went ghost hunting . Which makes it feel at a time i might of been able to do something with her has been washed away. I did get a text from Charley when she found out and she tried to cheer me up, but what she said stuck in with me, maybe in a way which makes me feel uneasy on top of this but i'll get into that later. Things will be better with me and her soon, but that you can find out soon.

After that, it was on the way to the Job Centre, since Swaggy had to get something sorted out with working links, i don't know what but it was a short time to walk around with them. After getting in there, Nath saying the printers were fucked with the touchscreen mini job workstations, it was a quick walk out and back through drake's circus. By this time it was 3:49 and then we split our ways, James and Nath went to working links, Pete went to get the bus and i cycled back home. Now this was a harder ride, with everything on my mind, i didn't want to keep going and even part of me wanted to just crash into a car but as much as i deserve it for being an idiot and not trying hard enough so i could of had the chance. It would cause my life to be much worse and lose out even moreso than now. 

But before i left, i did do one thing which i perhaps shouldn't of done or actually won't even matter or even make it worse, but i had been hesitating on doing this for a while and i said to myself that "she needs a personal touch", so i walked into the florists in mutley and looked for something and explained i was looking for a belated valentines present, she suggest some flowers for £5 and i bought them, i was nervous, feeling like a heartless douchebag but i knew that if i didn't do this, someone else will and it would end up feeling the same with someone else as well as Emma, although i feels its going to end up like that anyway. So i wrote the card out the sales rep gave me, she did convince me to have a card, she mentioned that "use girls are weird, we like the tiny things like this". So i wrote it out. 
The writing in the card, part of me knew this won't make anything happen but i've lost enough already. 

The flowers i bough Sophie
Now i left and cycled over to a few blocks down the road and then i was nervous as i walked in her best mate's works and waited for a minute until she was finished chatting to a colleague, then i spoke to another staff member asking if i could speak to ash, she said ok then i waled over and she was wearing a nice red top along with some nice glasses, i asked if she could give this to sophie, she said yes and then i walked out after thanknig her, then it was another cycle back, to reflect on the possible choices i could take to win her heart over, but nothing viable was there, just the good old fashioned revenge on him and make him really know how much this has hurt me. Will it happen, it probably won't but i won't back down if it does. 
Eventually i got home about 6:30 and it was cold as well as tea was just about ready which was nice.

 But this was pretty much it. This was the clear track of finding out that i've lost the dream girl, the angel, the jackpot, whatever someone would call the "one". I know i haven't made as much effort as i should have, i knew i fell into a dream of wonder when me and her started which was going to end up for worse, but i wanted to actually make this work, time has changed in the 2+ years that i've fallen for Emma, from the world of Technology rapidly evolving, from being given more responsibility in work, from boosting up this blog, from making not one but 2 Short stories which although i wanted to many years ago with Sammy and her best friend Seona, i never had the courage and skill to do it, which she gave me indirectly, i've even done crazy amounts of present giving, which as much as some people are shocked with, i've learned and become alot more confident on doing it, i've had to be a heck of alot stronger to actually ask someone to get it to her, whether some were reluctant or some were happy to help like Jess which i can thank Emma for. 

I know this seems long winded and ranting and even creepy that someone i've only met once but fallen in love with and realised i could of had a shot something which i could of been content with, settled down with, had my first kiss and non family or animal cuddle with, have my first sleepover with, have my first proper date with, have my first calendar gift holiday where we both get presents with, have the "meet the parents" meal type event (Even try cassie's amazing roasts one day), have my first holiday with someone i love and not with my family, have amazing roleplay from both mine and her sexual desires with and so much more. All gone,  Slammed like a door so powerful that it would take a mircale to get back to that one chance. 

For now, i just have to hope for the best, hopefully it doesn't come down to doing the hollywood style wedding moment with the i object but for a girl i would go to the ends of the world for if i could, then its possible, i know i went too far and i know i shouldn't of moved on to her when i was still getting over Abbey in my 3rd year of feeling broken by that, i know i've put you in places where its not fair to have gone. I know i was betting my luck on catching up on the world with you without you realising. 

For the past 2 years, i'm sorry, for everything.
I still love you and you will remain in my heart, even if its a small piece thats in a shape of something you love the most, even more than me or tom

Thats all i can say. But on an unrelated note, i will leave this down below:




For now, expect a blogpost up soon, in a few days
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