omracer's Night out: The august attempt at an impossible life goal

So, this weekend might be one of the most important nights out i would of experienced this year. The problem is that i've never had a first kiss, which has been a setback in life for many year and i thought "its finally time to fix this and catch up". The way i'm doing it tonight isn't the best way that people would expect but i realised some things even though are amazing if done right, it needs to be done before its too late. Having a first proper kiss (or making out/french kiss etc) is kind of one of those necessary skills that people just pick up. But sadly I've never picked them up and i know its making feel like I'm being held back. Especially with the fact that i know I'm losing girls that I've fallen for now and in the past, with Emma, Sadie being engaged and liv and sasha knocked up, it make me feel lost and far behind.

So tonight is going to be the journey of going to a place which i might be able to get that first kiss for a certain amount of money, just to clear this up, i'm not paying to have sex with a girl here, i need to build my stages up properly and prove myself one base at a time. Yes i meant bases due to that reason people say with "you got to 3rd base OMG" and phrases like that. Before i did this, i did have the final shave before i hopefully finally become a man:

The final shave before this night began

But with the chance to do this, i was not going to miss this, so i had a normal day at work, sure i did get a little lecture of information taking but that is a common thing. But the day went on smoothly, with a few customers here and there, reinstalling the staff PC at work and maybe fixing a wireless issue on a friends toshiba as well as watching KH2 speedruns on twitch, also i was meant to be selling a sky+ box i bought for £10 to a friend but he didn't turn up which is a shame *sigh*.

But i left for home at about 4:50, topped up £100 on my card from a HDD replacement i did last weekend and then i ran off, i got home to find the place empty and i went into the garage to turn the pumps on then it was a case of checking e-mails, hoovering the lounge from the cat litter. Then my sister arrived home with lighter blonde hair and we chatted, then she said she was out tonight as well, but i'm leaving long before her, but she was having pre drinks. After that, i made a sandwich while backing up my phone pictures, it was a nice Turkey, chocolate biscuit, salad and brown sauce sandwich:

The sandwich before tonight, it looks quite nice but messy 

Then it was a matter of waiting and prepping myself up. I had decided to leave earlier due to the fact the weather is nicer and i might pop down the barbican for a bit, So, i decided to get ready about 6:45, well after sending e-mails and then watching AOE on twitch again.
After the shower, it was time to get changed and then also cain on brushing my teeth, i think i ended up taking 10 minutes on that alone, but better breath and teeth is good right ??.


But soon it was coming up to 7:30 and time was getting towards having to head off, since it was good weather and even Windows 8's weather app said it was 19C which isn't bad but much better than what the weather could of been like. I finished preparing and then i get a PM asking for a battery for an old toshiba laptop, but he gave the serial number, which was easy to track a fake battery down for it, then checked outside to actually feel for real if i do need a bit extra fabric warmth (a jumper/hoodie etc), it felt reasonable but a slight wind, but if i'm running everywhere, it should be ok.
By 7:40, i left for the bus...since the GPS is working, i tested it out. i blitzed it after speaking to my sisters friend, sarah, who reminded of a ex i fell for once many years ago, named janine. She was nice and she was suprised when i said i've ran home from Plymouth, my sister said "please don't run home tonight",  but its only if anything happens. I smiled and ran down 

I got to lidl in about 10 minutes, 20 seconds, the breezes was nice and calm, and the sunset by lidl was really a sign that summer is here and strong, but it arrived and i paid my £4.50 return then sat at the bottom for a change.

Near lidl when getting the bus before this journey began

the journey was quiet, i mean i could have a peaceful time, typing this up, with the sun warming my back as i leaned on its almost scratched sole. But soon, i made it into town and this final challenge in my life to prove i can catch up to the rest of this mass society shithole will begin.

I got in about 8:30 from the library, then walked over to drakes circus and started vlogging, the night was crystal clear, the moon in the air and i decided to visit the casino first, now it was busy but after 5 minutes walking about, i found a seat at the bj table and bet £5.After getting a 18 and a 19. I won £6 and walked out after cashing it, well, i cant fuck about with betting money i might need. 

Arriving into town near the uni and library

Then i ran my way to a bar and restaurant i've always wanted to take miss camps to, Wagammas. Now they were and are doing a drinks promotion for the summer, every wed to sat night. I decided to run there through millbay, just so i can see where i need to go for this night to work smoothly. I ran and got there. It was amazing views of the place. Then i knew it was time to find the chance. So i walked out (after having to look for the toilet for a piss). 

Running to millbay to get to waga

The green tea

Leaving wagamamma

Then i walked and looked around millbay for a chance with a girl, i strolled and looked, i was a bit nervous but i couldn't find any girl that had the Signs of a prozzy. But i wandered around until it was near 10:10. I decided to make my way to the alleged oceana of sweat and hopefully girls willing to kiss. 

Making my way there wasn't too much of a journey, the barbican was okay, slightly busy but it was not good, I did pop in the Berkeley for a piss, that was meh and there was a couple of ssbbw girls there, one at a hen party. But it was starting to make a bit of a strain on my feet.

I Also saw Alana and we hugged and i said hi to Katie, with a beautiful dress. That and some smug dealer was outside the kfc in union street, well the chef was close to talking to him and he said to me "what were you doing with your life", when i said "i don't smoke", then it was a quick chat with the staff and it was about the young (they looked like chavs)

Passing the barbican quickly

Well that was quick and in by 10:40, some girl I saw fell down and her panties were showing, i asked if she was ok, she said she was in a nice drunk way, thats ok. Then i make it into Oceana, i instantly see ash, i she smiled and she looked amazing, i mean i would get excited if i hugged her style amazing. for the first time, we chatted, I was happy, we asked how each other were, I even nearly asked her out to a meal. She was smiling but she said she didnt want to, implied it at the very least. But i mean i wanted to hug this disney mermaid goddess badly, i could not stop admiring how nice her arms and smile were. I then blurted out "I wonder what it would be like to hug you". Then she went off to get a drink. We part our ways. 

Then it was passing time. I had some good times and bad. I'll list them,  some of these i do have audio bits of but i might include them in the vlog

• I hugged a girl i have on facebook, she actually  gave me a semi
• Sophie actually smiled at me
• Ash and me had a conversation and we had something in common, more than once. 
• Becky T looked sexy and she told me where prozzy lane is as well as ash and sophie were on their way.
• Two guys from Birmingham helped me and some girl said I wouldn't pull because of me wearing my hawaiian shirt 
• I Hugged Emily R for her 18th as well as miss welsh
• I had a selfie with a bbw, she was really interested in me for some reason
• I picked up Chelsie when hugging her, it was nice and she was surprised and  maybe i was hugging her tightly, but she is very slim
• Random guys and girls saying hi and shaking my hand. 
• Someone did warn me about commenting on some girls pics since ot was his girlfriend. 
• I was close to a kiss by giving a girl named lauren a kiss on the cheek, her friend was trying to pretend i was dating her, right in front
• Of her boyfriend i guess from the body language
• I almost had my first kiss with chelsie who was tired out. I said i could pay her but then her nice looking friend pretty much said i was freaking her out. 
• I had to look after a friend of taryenes then i hugged tar and i did say " i wish we could date".
• I also a nice girl with cute curves and nice pout called emma, she smiled first then said "go away" later on 

But i left oceana, i did smile at ash as i left. then it was noticing soph sitting waiting for some food. I actually sat down and we spoke to each other, i mean this is something ive wanted to do for a long time. But it just ended up something that happened with amy and the same feelings just spoken differently. Then she said about the plan for tonight, which then

Comes at a point where its just any chance to be with her out of the windows. i know she meant well, but im feeling at a lost end which this is where this whole night happened. But one thing she did say that snapped me, it felt a shock. "It wont be me or someone you know, but it will happen" that just makes me realise i know i have to of done this more than ever. Even though shes says "im better than that" with reference to the plan and tonight so far. I felt that i had just renacted the may night out but with someone i just care about more. But then she left for a taxi with ash and i just sat and stared at the sky. Then ate some uncheesed chip next to me. that and i asked her about when she went to malia, she said it was shit which was before the heated discussion 

I decided to have one last try, since its still the solution to becoming a better person, and these things are still important and its holding me prisoner, so i sprinted and got to the citroen dealership, since becky told me they were nearby and i browsed around. Some guy did come up and we both looked before it was all too late, so we both made our way back to our origins.

I'm not sure where this was but it was at this point

But before that happened i funnily enough, met 3 girls on my way, it turned out one of them was sophie's sister, im not kidding. But we chatted, i said what happened and they told me how they wandered for pubs since char lpst her id i the taxi and they all had to share £10 which was spent on the taxi. Megan asked if i looked like her online self, I said slightly but her face wasn't chubby, but she said sorry and mentioned she lost weight in the face. then she wanted to have a selfie with me. Which i did. But then they headed off to goodbodies,  I think they said i could join them, which maybe should of been the better option. 

But after checking, i ran to goodbodies from nearby the citron dealer in just 21 minutes, sure you get the drunk people laughing but i can go fast, and that was on almost empty in a phrase. I reached there and no sign of them at all, so i just walked to thecshop and bought a can of tango near charleys then drunk it a door away from hers, i text the house but it was too late, so i wondered if it was really worth just running home. 

The tango apple for £0.49

But i would get in shit so i just walked to the house and to be honest, typed this up from here on out. Ok maybe i did get let in by nath when he got up for work, man working at 7:30am sucks but more money so its a risk worth taking. 

The twilight view

Then it ended up me, Nath, Taylor and James, in Nath's room just chatting about things, from her shift to i summed up a short bit of what happened this night. Then it turned into something with osaka wrestling on fightbox, which sounded really intense and looked from the blurry vision

After nath left, i pretty much slept on the sofa, i was tired but it was a not too bad powernap, but i properly woke up after the cat was sleeping on me and i was feeling cold, it was 8:40 and the bus was 8:53. I wrote on the whiteboard along the phrase of "thanks for letting me crash tonight" and i know i felt like i shouldn't of relied on them like that, even though pete woke them up earlier on. 

So, the bus journey home, well it wasn't too bad and the whole part of tonight, is that i only spent my money on 4 things

Bus journey there - £4.50

Gambled £5 on bj - won £6 so i got £11 

Tango apple - £0.49

Bus journey home - £4.50

That is pretty good, and i'm happy that i didn't lose any money from what i took just to make sure i could cover the kissing costs if i got lucky, i'm not sure why sophie said £30 is over the top but i did explain that some people charge £25 just for eating junk food and shes beautiful enough to get a kiss from anyone shes wants, but unlike  her, i'm someone who has no experience in anything like this, i know that money doesn't matter to get the experiences that are the important life changing ones.

But i got home, i was about to get a shower then my parents came home 10 minutes after me, but my sister did cook some eggs and i added some extras to it

The fried eggs with, fried bread, tomatoes, lettuce, crackers, biscuit, ketchup and a small bit of brown sauce

But this ends another chapter and to be honest another bad night out for now, maybe some mini blogposts might come soon but no nights out for  long while, i might of been going out for a meal in the next few weeks but after this night, i'm probably going to guess i'm not worth the effort because i'm too desperate and fall for someone too quickly. But its more lessons learnt and even parts of the night i had tears coming out of my eyes but that was actually typing this up.


omracer 

The shattered dreams for a quest for love

So, it comes to the final week in febuary, times haven't changed that much, the weather is still quite stormy every other day, i'm still owed the £900 and i've been told to await payment, girls are getting knocked up every other days then soon things turn for the worse in the things in life you were paranoid would happen, happen at the worst time. But although i'm reluctant to rant about this, this is important and crucial to the search where this blog was to sum up, so its needed.

So it was a Tuesday morning, the weather was mixed, although it was sunny blue sky, there was a bas class of spitty rain, now this was worrying me to be able to get into town and sort out an extra birthday present for charley as well to get a belated valentines for the one girl i've missed and whos really been on my mind, maybe shes become into my dream girl in various ways, maybe i was turning to her while the money situation was on my mind, to keep me sane, or at least feel happy. But the weather became better so i headed out and cycled to wagamamma's to get the gifts. It was a nice ride, it did take longer than i thought, but i got there, only mildly soaked and that was as i got into town.

View Larger Map

So i got there and it was quite nice, sure the weather was a bit damp but that would be the least on my mind afterwards.

Outside Wagamamma's in Royal William Yard

So i walked in there and there was a blonde bbw serving, she was nice and was nice enough to colour code the cards, i loaded up £20 on each, paid in cash, luckily i got paid £70 for buying a £35 320GB laptop hard drive for a friend of my sisters and get his laptop up and running, that and i've not been topping up on my card until i've had the money back, which has almost been for 4 weeks now :@. Anyways i walked out and got the cards

The Cards i bought. its a nice style for a common card

Now this was when i found out, the one thing i had been dreading for months, Emma got engaged. 

I instantly knew this was going to hurt, i still wish it never happened, but it did, i felt tears and instantly weak. This wasn't good, well for her it is of course, since she gets happy but for someone that would of done almost anything to be with her and this means alot. So i travelled back into town, tears were out of my eyes but i had to push on. I got into town, then parked the bike and went for a toilet, i couldn't keep this in, i slammed my head on the cubicle door thrice, i hated what just happened. The next bit was trying to keep myself together when writing out her belated card. I was shaking as i was by the lottery stand, i wanted to baul my eyes out, maybe i'm over exaggerating but this was alot of happiness just grabbed and kicked to the ground.

Now this was time to actually do this and do what i wanted to get done, although what i wrote was different to what i wanted to write, it was the only thing i could think, but i walked in to maisie's work and after borrowing a pen from a black makeup artist, i wrote a note to her to ask to deliver it and left it under the card reader then walked out and waited in cex for a while, after about 10 minutes looking at phones and ipods, Pete, James and Nath walked in, we said hi and then i was nervy and then after pete asked what i got from wagammas, i told him and nearly burst again, i didn't want them to see that but my emotions were running high. But then it was waiting around and nath was planning to trade in his lover's 360 slim to get a xbone then trade that in for £300 to buy a ps4 for £225, its a long shot but it could work. Then we walked around town for a bit and ended up in Mcdonalds for the afternoon, i didn't feel hungry at all, especially after losing her, so it was pretty much chatting about various things, from geeky stuff to even finding out Bronti and Sash want to do a day out within 2 weeks, i felt skeptical but shes wanting to do something which i should take up on, especially since next week, last year was the first night i saw emma and was in her car, which we went ghost hunting . Which makes it feel at a time i might of been able to do something with her has been washed away. I did get a text from Charley when she found out and she tried to cheer me up, but what she said stuck in with me, maybe in a way which makes me feel uneasy on top of this but i'll get into that later. Things will be better with me and her soon, but that you can find out soon.

After that, it was on the way to the Job Centre, since Swaggy had to get something sorted out with working links, i don't know what but it was a short time to walk around with them. After getting in there, Nath saying the printers were fucked with the touchscreen mini job workstations, it was a quick walk out and back through drake's circus. By this time it was 3:49 and then we split our ways, James and Nath went to working links, Pete went to get the bus and i cycled back home. Now this was a harder ride, with everything on my mind, i didn't want to keep going and even part of me wanted to just crash into a car but as much as i deserve it for being an idiot and not trying hard enough so i could of had the chance. It would cause my life to be much worse and lose out even moreso than now. 

But before i left, i did do one thing which i perhaps shouldn't of done or actually won't even matter or even make it worse, but i had been hesitating on doing this for a while and i said to myself that "she needs a personal touch", so i walked into the florists in mutley and looked for something and explained i was looking for a belated valentines present, she suggest some flowers for £5 and i bought them, i was nervous, feeling like a heartless douchebag but i knew that if i didn't do this, someone else will and it would end up feeling the same with someone else as well as Emma, although i feels its going to end up like that anyway. So i wrote the card out the sales rep gave me, she did convince me to have a card, she mentioned that "use girls are weird, we like the tiny things like this". So i wrote it out. 

The writing in the card, part of me knew this won't make anything happen but i've lost enough already. 

The flowers i bough Sophie

Now i left and cycled over to a few blocks down the road and then i was nervous as i walked in her best mate's works and waited for a minute until she was finished chatting to a colleague, then i spoke to another staff member asking if i could speak to ash, she said ok then i waled over and she was wearing a nice red top along with some nice glasses, i asked if she could give this to sophie, she said yes and then i walked out after thanknig her, then it was another cycle back, to reflect on the possible choices i could take to win her heart over, but nothing viable was there, just the good old fashioned revenge on him and make him really know how much this has hurt me. Will it happen, it probably won't but i won't back down if it does. 

Eventually i got home about 6:30 and it was cold as well as tea was just about ready which was nice.

 But this was pretty much it. This was the clear track of finding out that i've lost the dream girl, the angel, the jackpot, whatever someone would call the "one". I know i haven't made as much effort as i should have, i knew i fell into a dream of wonder when me and her started which was going to end up for worse, but i wanted to actually make this work, time has changed in the 2+ years that i've fallen for Emma, from the world of Technology rapidly evolving, from being given more responsibility in work, from boosting up this blog, from making not one but 2 Short stories which although i wanted to many years ago with Sammy and her best friend Seona, i never had the courage and skill to do it, which she gave me indirectly, i've even done crazy amounts of present giving, which as much as some people are shocked with, i've learned and become alot more confident on doing it, i've had to be a heck of alot stronger to actually ask someone to get it to her, whether some were reluctant or some were happy to help like Jess which i can thank Emma for. 

I know this seems long winded and ranting and even creepy that someone i've only met once but fallen in love with and realised i could of had a shot something which i could of been content with, settled down with, had my first kiss and non family or animal cuddle with, have my first sleepover with, have my first proper date with, have my first calendar gift holiday where we both get presents with, have the "meet the parents" meal type event (Even try cassie's amazing roasts one day), have my first holiday with someone i love and not with my family, have amazing roleplay from both mine and her sexual desires with and so much more. All gone,  Slammed like a door so powerful that it would take a mircale to get back to that one chance. 

For now, i just have to hope for the best, hopefully it doesn't come down to doing the hollywood style wedding moment with the i object but for a girl i would go to the ends of the world for if i could, then its possible, i know i went too far and i know i shouldn't of moved on to her when i was still getting over Abbey in my 3rd year of feeling broken by that, i know i've put you in places where its not fair to have gone. I know i was betting my luck on catching up on the world with you without you realising. 

For the past 2 years, i'm sorry, for everything.

I still love you and you will remain in my heart, even if its a small piece thats in a shape of something you love the most, even more than me or tom

Thats all i can say. But on an unrelated note, i will leave this down below:

For now, expect a blogpost up soon, in a few days