A week of stress

 So its been 2 weeks nearly since the vaccine, with on and off with stress and anxiety from having to catch up with work, a possible upcoming therapy starting and also well some on and off chest pains from the all of those events. 

But Eventually I'll explain some of this in more detail when the time is right, but this week, is the chance to work and realize how things have been shit from it. But well after working and having stress to deal with for the days after, From a chest pain from running to a customer's house on the first day back to work, from even dealing with warranty jobs, laptops to order and even missing parts while having to babysit a fucking kid who just asks for free shit really. But with some things, some are lucky to just sleep all day. 

Finely getting to sleep more than others 

There has been the chance to finally catch up with things . The main highlights i'll be honest are: 

• I've had to cancel the therapist consultation I was meant to have due to work getting demanding on Tuesday 17th. 
• I've just felt i'm going into autopilot to catch up on things 
• I've learned that Deep freeze actually helps with the issues of sweating on the back and armpits, yes the smell is there but it does help
•  Part of me feels I've done nothing good and a lot of pressure has been on me
• One of the things I've done has been luckily to keep mee feeling sane
• Also Boners per  Day is back and on a average its been about 5 per day so far 

But then it was coming to get things fitted and with a RTX which was okay but getting a 980ti out of a tight case meant to have dealing with cutting my fingers from the heatsink of the CPU, aka bequiet ones. But this was actually just 1 of 2 visits that night, The other was some speakers to setup and sell for nearly no reason. 

The Back of one hand 

The back of the other hand 

Then it leads to the Saturday which was quieter and also still overcoming the possible stress of the future, with incel rage and culture and the stereotype of the adult virgin not by choice in the spotlight for a bad reason of all things of a horrific tragedy  it was best to not focus on that and sure it makes me feel not average or normal, but in all honesty, I'm in a better position than I have been in the past, fuck if you told me back 10 years ago I would end up having my first kiss, 7 dates and still made a positive impact to some peoples life, I would have told you it was a joke there. But here we are. 

But as things go, the last day before the first day off of the past week, and it was a lonnng day, a whopping 3 visits and getting back nearly by 8pm. But that was then time for more work since parents were out to walk Rosie too. This meant a nice weeatbix burger as well as a ham  sandwich before parents came back and then it was a Chinese chicken curry with salad for after. 

The bun and the burger with chocolate weetbix

The Chicken curry from Home Bargains which was really nice

Then it comes to the Sunday. Which actually was back to the life of the 1940s for harrowbeer again, this was their 80th anniversary and My grandadad wanted to go, It was also nice to spend time with hime since this time next year, he might not be with us with any things how it can go. 

The Sunday of 1940s and Taking it easy. 

Well, waking up from working until 1am from a late night customer was always a good sign, well waking up about 9:30 and then getting time to walk with Rosie, since she always needs the attention. But we got in the car and off to the moors it was. 

Rosie in the car

So, we parked to the moors and then decided to get out and walk her, it was only a quick walk since the weather was spitty and also the phone call soon later was to decide on the fate of what was to be known of this day, So we were planning to go to lidl to get an afternoon tea after the harrowbeer event. But as we were driving to lidl for getting things and there was a call from grandad, which was was unsure of going, which I shouted on how there could be a way for him to go without upset. But he was ready to order lunch and we then went to lidl for shopping. 

Which lidl was more packed than i've seen it for a while and then we got to finish and yet another call happened, which then granadad was still hesitant. But lidl had some slight more bits from the beef bites in bbq sauce to even gluten free fajita kits, But then we left to get back home. I went for a shave, It was nice to finally look clean in that way. But after that we were on our way to go to see granparents and then pick them both up to take them to the event at Harrowbeer. 

We got in and then talked and then got them ready, His iPhone was blocked from and update and now the passcode feature did fix that issue as well. But then we all squeezed into the car and drove off, even nan and her wheelchair in the boot. 

We took the backroad (i'll be there Tuesday sort of that road) to get there and it was slightly spitty, but eventually we got there and it was the busiest its ever been for a long long time, the car park was packed on both the aerodrome borders and the grass car park from the tea rooms, we managed to get a disabled car park due to the wheel chair and then we got out and walked around. 

The view from the car

As we walked around I had to push nan sitting in the wheelchair, she giggled and enjoyed herself, I was struggling a little bit to take pics as well, There was alot more military exhibitions than other years, the Aircraft this year was not there but the engine was. It was also announced the flyby was cancelled due to the bad weather which actually was fair, since it was soon to rain later on. 

The camp and the crowds

More of the American camps

As we were still looking around, it was starting to get that bit colder which means its feels like summer is nearly over, but there was still time to check the buses out, more of the bikes from the motor ones to even the plan old bikes which even made some nice vibes for it, but memories were there for both of them. It was then time to walk and get some lunch, but for that it was just a lemonade ice lolly. It was nice to have it, even when it was quite cold to have it there. 

More of the camps 

How the rations look 

The crowds near the merlin engine 

The car and the bell next to the merlin engine 

The lemonade ice lolly

But then it was more exploring on the way back, passing the food stalls and the classic cars as well. With the wind packing up higher, it was getting really tough and also it was some sweet stall with a nice 2 bags of Peking Crisps for £1.50 or £1 each, but then it was time to walk back to the car, since the rest of the family were getting to the car too. 

The Classic Cars

The crowds dispersing a little bit

Eventually I got in the car and it started to make sense of things, it was nice to get some photos taken and also the rain was coming in a bit stronger which then by the time we got back to the granparents bungalow, it was actually dry again. But then it was time for a bit of the scone with the clearing of odd friends on fb on my grandads profile, But this was after helping them get back inside and also dogshit on the car since my grandad stepped in some, this was from the fields in harrowbeer due to the fact loads of dogs were around for the dog show that was happening. 

The scone

then it was time to head back home, which then was to prepare for the next day ahead which was nearly 4 visits ahead of me. Which that evening was watching films and also typing the blogpost up, this one anyway. It was nice to have a Lamb Shank as well as home grown runner beans too. Which while it was being cooked, I had to walk rosie. Which that was not a bad way to do things. 

The lamb shank with the runner beans 

But then it was the monday. which was a bit of a long day, 

The back to the work. 

Well  waking up with the get up earlier for work motivation is the plan here, since first customer was at 10:30 and also a bit of energy to conserve as well, But then it was the usual but a nice gift from them which will safe me some stress later on, But then it was time to cycle back to Tavi for the second visit. 

The bridge on the way back to Tavi

Cycling on the Road

Then t was time to get the visit sorted of the second one, this was a stressful one due to the issues of the way of Soundcards being bigger ha  its bracket so it made the Palit Bracket a nightmare.  2 hours later, I was on my way to the big one, to Princetown, for this visit which the battery pretty much faded out by the time I got to pork hill, which the views were still good, even with the clouds. 

The cloudy views on the moors

Traffic Lights by the prison 

Eventually after backs aching and more to deal with , I finally got there and greeted customers and sorting out a few things with planning the best way for this Airbnb to get wifi, But over 2 hours Later, I had to go to one more place, it was actually 2 more but one customer I didn't get a confidence to visit  and it was nearly 7:30pm so fucking time, but it was only a 43 minute cycle back, even with no battery on the e-bike either. The sky was getting dimpsy but very slightly. 

The view from the road into pricnetown 

The view cycling before the 13% gradient by pork hill

Then it was more chatter and fixing things, but getting back around the 8pm mark before having a nice meal back to fill me up and then cravings kick in too. With a chicken stock sweet chilli Oreo omelette to keep me by .

The first of the late night meals, 

Then it was more to come since it was soon to be another  day of chaos, since I was actually lucky I did not actually get the appointment on the next day, bur that is its own story below: 

Back to the stressful reality. 

Then it comes to the back to the work, which I was not expecting one after another after, but work was getting to the stressful Time, from one customer after another, one customer just hanging around, planning the printer to work and well what happens, slatwall comes just AS i was on a CALL, so it means hanging up and trying to ask for seeing if they could lift it in, they refused, so it was later on having to shout to help someone out while lifting up each panel and placing it in the wall where some of them are supposed to go. But after that and chaotic queues and even more kids to babysit, it was soon time to head out to the visit. Which was another journey on the electric bike which this was too a different part I've not been since July almost. 

But As i left, it was more of a phone call was needed to handle and caused some delay, Either way, I got to the customers in about 45 minutes, then it was sorting out the visit and gradually more bits, but eventually it was nearing 8:30 and time to leave to cycle home, with plenty of battery, it was a nice 43 minute ride back home, well the sky was getting really  dimpsy here. But even more so later on....

The Sky getting dimpsy and dark as I cycled past crapstone

AS my night journey continues, IT was getting darker and turning out the torch was out of battery, So it was soon to continue to the tunnel, but this was getting to the point, it was then time to rush in the tunnel, it was then the worst time since cycling in the dark, did not work out, but still alive and also time for some night mode. 

The tunnel with the blank ends

Then it was me finally home by 9:20 and after catching up with mum, it was time to cook tea along with catching up with E-mails, including the one with the Doctor which did mention about how my diet can affect the penis burning, which can make sense with spicy foods but this is also a strange one with the fact t only happens on some occasions and not daily just yet but its probably what a lot would say about it. Even that being said, it was time to try Strawberry Jam Preserve with chicken tikka masala with added chicken stock too. 

The chicken tikka with strawberry jam and salad and even morrisons were doing beef potato sticks 

But then it leads to a much back to normal time, which for now we will see, but work has cancelled the time to get to the fireworks championships but maybe other events I will get time to go this year to, maybe. Sure it was to mean meeting up as well, but work can get in the way of things and that does not surprise me. 

for now we will catch-up soon and stay safe. 

omracer

The shattered dreams for a quest for love

So, it comes to the final week in febuary, times haven't changed that much, the weather is still quite stormy every other day, i'm still owed the £900 and i've been told to await payment, girls are getting knocked up every other days then soon things turn for the worse in the things in life you were paranoid would happen, happen at the worst time. But although i'm reluctant to rant about this, this is important and crucial to the search where this blog was to sum up, so its needed.

So it was a Tuesday morning, the weather was mixed, although it was sunny blue sky, there was a bas class of spitty rain, now this was worrying me to be able to get into town and sort out an extra birthday present for charley as well to get a belated valentines for the one girl i've missed and whos really been on my mind, maybe shes become into my dream girl in various ways, maybe i was turning to her while the money situation was on my mind, to keep me sane, or at least feel happy. But the weather became better so i headed out and cycled to wagamamma's to get the gifts. It was a nice ride, it did take longer than i thought, but i got there, only mildly soaked and that was as i got into town.

View Larger Map

So i got there and it was quite nice, sure the weather was a bit damp but that would be the least on my mind afterwards.

Outside Wagamamma's in Royal William Yard

So i walked in there and there was a blonde bbw serving, she was nice and was nice enough to colour code the cards, i loaded up £20 on each, paid in cash, luckily i got paid £70 for buying a £35 320GB laptop hard drive for a friend of my sisters and get his laptop up and running, that and i've not been topping up on my card until i've had the money back, which has almost been for 4 weeks now :@. Anyways i walked out and got the cards

The Cards i bought. its a nice style for a common card

Now this was when i found out, the one thing i had been dreading for months, Emma got engaged. 

I instantly knew this was going to hurt, i still wish it never happened, but it did, i felt tears and instantly weak. This wasn't good, well for her it is of course, since she gets happy but for someone that would of done almost anything to be with her and this means alot. So i travelled back into town, tears were out of my eyes but i had to push on. I got into town, then parked the bike and went for a toilet, i couldn't keep this in, i slammed my head on the cubicle door thrice, i hated what just happened. The next bit was trying to keep myself together when writing out her belated card. I was shaking as i was by the lottery stand, i wanted to baul my eyes out, maybe i'm over exaggerating but this was alot of happiness just grabbed and kicked to the ground.

Now this was time to actually do this and do what i wanted to get done, although what i wrote was different to what i wanted to write, it was the only thing i could think, but i walked in to maisie's work and after borrowing a pen from a black makeup artist, i wrote a note to her to ask to deliver it and left it under the card reader then walked out and waited in cex for a while, after about 10 minutes looking at phones and ipods, Pete, James and Nath walked in, we said hi and then i was nervy and then after pete asked what i got from wagammas, i told him and nearly burst again, i didn't want them to see that but my emotions were running high. But then it was waiting around and nath was planning to trade in his lover's 360 slim to get a xbone then trade that in for £300 to buy a ps4 for £225, its a long shot but it could work. Then we walked around town for a bit and ended up in Mcdonalds for the afternoon, i didn't feel hungry at all, especially after losing her, so it was pretty much chatting about various things, from geeky stuff to even finding out Bronti and Sash want to do a day out within 2 weeks, i felt skeptical but shes wanting to do something which i should take up on, especially since next week, last year was the first night i saw emma and was in her car, which we went ghost hunting . Which makes it feel at a time i might of been able to do something with her has been washed away. I did get a text from Charley when she found out and she tried to cheer me up, but what she said stuck in with me, maybe in a way which makes me feel uneasy on top of this but i'll get into that later. Things will be better with me and her soon, but that you can find out soon.

After that, it was on the way to the Job Centre, since Swaggy had to get something sorted out with working links, i don't know what but it was a short time to walk around with them. After getting in there, Nath saying the printers were fucked with the touchscreen mini job workstations, it was a quick walk out and back through drake's circus. By this time it was 3:49 and then we split our ways, James and Nath went to working links, Pete went to get the bus and i cycled back home. Now this was a harder ride, with everything on my mind, i didn't want to keep going and even part of me wanted to just crash into a car but as much as i deserve it for being an idiot and not trying hard enough so i could of had the chance. It would cause my life to be much worse and lose out even moreso than now. 

But before i left, i did do one thing which i perhaps shouldn't of done or actually won't even matter or even make it worse, but i had been hesitating on doing this for a while and i said to myself that "she needs a personal touch", so i walked into the florists in mutley and looked for something and explained i was looking for a belated valentines present, she suggest some flowers for £5 and i bought them, i was nervous, feeling like a heartless douchebag but i knew that if i didn't do this, someone else will and it would end up feeling the same with someone else as well as Emma, although i feels its going to end up like that anyway. So i wrote the card out the sales rep gave me, she did convince me to have a card, she mentioned that "use girls are weird, we like the tiny things like this". So i wrote it out. 

The writing in the card, part of me knew this won't make anything happen but i've lost enough already. 

The flowers i bough Sophie

Now i left and cycled over to a few blocks down the road and then i was nervous as i walked in her best mate's works and waited for a minute until she was finished chatting to a colleague, then i spoke to another staff member asking if i could speak to ash, she said ok then i waled over and she was wearing a nice red top along with some nice glasses, i asked if she could give this to sophie, she said yes and then i walked out after thanknig her, then it was another cycle back, to reflect on the possible choices i could take to win her heart over, but nothing viable was there, just the good old fashioned revenge on him and make him really know how much this has hurt me. Will it happen, it probably won't but i won't back down if it does. 

Eventually i got home about 6:30 and it was cold as well as tea was just about ready which was nice.

 But this was pretty much it. This was the clear track of finding out that i've lost the dream girl, the angel, the jackpot, whatever someone would call the "one". I know i haven't made as much effort as i should have, i knew i fell into a dream of wonder when me and her started which was going to end up for worse, but i wanted to actually make this work, time has changed in the 2+ years that i've fallen for Emma, from the world of Technology rapidly evolving, from being given more responsibility in work, from boosting up this blog, from making not one but 2 Short stories which although i wanted to many years ago with Sammy and her best friend Seona, i never had the courage and skill to do it, which she gave me indirectly, i've even done crazy amounts of present giving, which as much as some people are shocked with, i've learned and become alot more confident on doing it, i've had to be a heck of alot stronger to actually ask someone to get it to her, whether some were reluctant or some were happy to help like Jess which i can thank Emma for. 

I know this seems long winded and ranting and even creepy that someone i've only met once but fallen in love with and realised i could of had a shot something which i could of been content with, settled down with, had my first kiss and non family or animal cuddle with, have my first sleepover with, have my first proper date with, have my first calendar gift holiday where we both get presents with, have the "meet the parents" meal type event (Even try cassie's amazing roasts one day), have my first holiday with someone i love and not with my family, have amazing roleplay from both mine and her sexual desires with and so much more. All gone,  Slammed like a door so powerful that it would take a mircale to get back to that one chance. 

For now, i just have to hope for the best, hopefully it doesn't come down to doing the hollywood style wedding moment with the i object but for a girl i would go to the ends of the world for if i could, then its possible, i know i went too far and i know i shouldn't of moved on to her when i was still getting over Abbey in my 3rd year of feeling broken by that, i know i've put you in places where its not fair to have gone. I know i was betting my luck on catching up on the world with you without you realising. 

For the past 2 years, i'm sorry, for everything.

I still love you and you will remain in my heart, even if its a small piece thats in a shape of something you love the most, even more than me or tom

Thats all i can say. But on an unrelated note, i will leave this down below:

For now, expect a blogpost up soon, in a few days

one quick thing on my mind and a new App for Andorid

Well recently things have been troubling me and also things have even bought me feelings and emotions i used to have many years ago, as many as when this blog was originally started. Since its things i don't want to explain in full. I'll quote a paragraph that i said to a good friend of mine who asked what was wrong.

things getting busy and finding out about 5 people are pregnant at my age and fucking heck even one just gave birth, its just showing time is going too fast and really making me lose things that at parts of my life were important

Basically this past week started out ok but nearing the end (Thursday and Friday), things swooped right down, with this week alone, i found out 3 girls i used to chat to and 2 i liked ended up knocked up, my mate at work is getting married, which is leaving me the only person not dating or married employed in my work and the girl i love still with someone else. 

Which i think it toppled me over and i felt really low, and i mean the type of low which i regretted not committing suicide since i lost the chance with Abbey 3 years type low which really hurt. Friday i was close to crying with my eyes near watering point. But once it was saturday, i finally cheered up and worked on something...

And the project i worked on was this:

I present my first android App to you. "The Average App of omracer"

So this is my first android app. Ok this is a basic one but it can do the following:

• Shows my Youtube Channel which you can watch many of my videos from inside the app. 

•  Shows this blog as an RSS feed so you can read my new blogposts quicker and easier than before

•  Shows my twitter profile which you can...you get the point
• Has links to my FB page, blogTV, Ustream, DeviantART, Cafepress

• Has an about me and about the app section 

 This took about 8 hours to develop (from start to finish if i did it in one go), Using this app builder called MobinCube, which is free to sign up and develop the app, but if you publish it on other app stores, then its £1 per year to download, which is good value, hence i did that, linked my main google account as a Google Play Devloper which cost me £16.70 ($25) which is a one off cost compared to Apple cost of £64.96 ($99) per year. Then i uploaded the apk and created the app infomation and icons. After 1 hour later...

The app was approved and is now on Google Play for free. 

So now i have a working app to show off new things and i can add extras if i want to when i please and update the app, quote the revisions/changes in the relevant places and all done. But i might think about buying an ios devloper license so i can help get more people on the app, but is £64 per year worth it for increasing popularity on my videos, blog, twitter and other sites. I'm not sure but i might do it. But for now click the link below if you want to see this app and any other apps i distribute on Google Play below:




Oh and i almost forgot, i finally joined in the viral craze of the Harlem Shake. You can see this below:
Well thats all i have to say, expect a blog post next Tuesday when i might be delivering a birthday present to a girl i like who i lost the chance with on my birthday last year but is single now. I wonder what type of pizza she likes :)

See you in the next one
Mattie