Stress and Complicated truths - Lockdown stage 21

 Well, march has had a nasty start to it and well, it causes those moments where things are going to feel like a crash will happen, things collide. But there was time to also reflect on the current realisations of the world and even how we can change and adapt in more ways. But for now it has to be to catchup with those days.

March: 

Well after the previous blogpost, it was time to go back to work, since Customers were back on the swing with the customers, the best thing is that the weather was getting better, but it was also the up and coming risk that soon, consoles were going to be abound, especially as the chance for being able to start getting videos up since both my parents were staying at my nans. Since as of this, grandad sadly hurt is back and was unable to move for almost 2 weeks (only this past week when typing, this, has he started to slowly walk). 

But it makes the sense of using this for the best time to really start being productive, but sadly even that can be tricky at times, especially wit the massive stress of having to help a friend out for £10 and that fucked up a payment for the glasses which is maybe why the direct debit failed idk. Especially that day i did not get home until 9:40 pm and even with having to move desks in and extra visits. 

Gfuel I needed to start the day off, especially as it was 11 hours

A desk I got for free 

A Late night snack of chicken noodle soup. 

But then it was nice to get the extra parts done. Which was to get some plans out of the way with having to work and do some chores online, Rosie was getting demanding for walks tooo. Since dad was off and on, it was hard to know what to plan. The weather was just amazing and even with the strong wid

The field in the lush haze

It was also good to try to make lefover food, like sweet and sour chicken with spring rolls in the oven for a change which worked out really nicely. The Pasty was a massive one my sister gave my mum and it was nice too. 

The mix of pasty, spring rolls and sweet and sour

Then it was to have a late night meal while getting more things sorted, with my motivation was lowering and maybe it was the hindsight of what's to come or the fact that working is getting exhausting, not even online, but that was the good thing with using the sandwich maker./ 

The bacon sandwich, 

Now that was out of the way, it was time to also start a new project which was to use Opencore on the PC I built for the tutorial, which actually I managed to get it done but it was quite mind tanking as well as the fact my dad was here until a last minute call which means it had rushed timed to myself. Luckily i didn't have to be in the shop until the end of the week, due to consoles arriving then. 

This was also the time the new hard drive board arrived, sadly that did not show all of the files so a bios solder swap will be the plan eventually. But for now it was just to get that bit right and well online job had to stop since the real life was the plan here. The night was quite good.

The night in blurred

Rosie and Finley 

The special pancake

The hard drive board changed

But as this progressed it was soon time to get back to work, Time to reflect and also a goal on my mind but hopefully soon that was to be amended and start to show the skills to get back to living a goal. But it was also the time to learn the light broke and without power for actually 1 hour and 30 minutes or so. But eventually 8:30pm and it was back up, Dad just slept but for me it was more playing Railway Empire using that UK map, but getting the controls is not as easy as I thought. 

The light and power cuts out. 

But then it was that choice of waiting in a peace and then to wait for the weekend since the PS5s were to be sold and also 2 laptops are on the way as well, work was busy in that way and it was getting to be the first time to get a few bits and minus a few more visit, it was time to look obese to stash all of the shopping in my jumper and rucksack while on the bike, to make the most of a bit extra money for shopping.

The shopping in lidl

Then I got back, as i was running home, i got a text from the bank work uses and mentioned a £300 charge in Sainsburys, So naturally I replied N and heard nothing until later on. I was having more ranting and talking to myself which I've realised that has happened to me a fair bit lately too. The sunsets are soo good. 

 

The golden sun

The glow above the town

A Darker sunset

Then as i was cooking tea, I got a call from that bank regarding the text earlier, So it means that i was having to sort that bit out, Which the call hung up and no word from them since, which means that work is more complicated from the reduction, and it means the end of easy way to pays bills. But it was a biit of mess the frying of the chicken and mushroom pasta. 

The chicken and the mushroom

Then it was time to start to plan for getting videos up, time to myself was coming over which made it easier to finally get time to, sure some of the deliveries arrived like the Glasses and the Ring light, which was finally the time to get them reviewed. 

Another hetic day, but next week will be finally good for videos pic.twitter.com/1hO3TDkkvD

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) March 5, 2021

First up was the glasses: Now this was great to film but sadly the money spent on them was quite a disaster and me and the seller did argue after me following her advice as well. But they do pack some better quality than other types and well even with the double charging, the value is reasonable for older tech anyway. 

The box 

The glasses on with the  UV lenses 

With the normal lenses 

Portrait Selfies when dogwalking 

A wider selfie 

The quality of the camera 

Now that day i had to go to work due to waiting for someone to pickup a PS5 which actually they didn't even bother to turn up, so another customer went to go for it in the end, so that was for the next week, But it was a good way to be able to take footage with it and see how it goes for a sort of a day in the life. 

The river on the way to work

Which luckily it did help me get the chance to be able to type the review post up quite quickly, but as for video editing, it did take 2 days longer than I wanted it to be, but things soon were to creep up on me. Sometimes the best way to  cope is to just play PS1 light gun games on the toilet using an emulator on my phone such as ePSXe.  Which i was to find out that a lot of my time was wasted due to thoughts causing stress in my mind. But its soo good to enjoy those type of games on the phone due to the the touch screen. 

But the video editing for the glasses was exhausting, but it was also the time of the #harrymeganinterview and oh my god that was a lot of dish served and that tea was up until 3am. But it just shows how much of a system is fucked, I mean it really does and this was going to be a week of realising other sections of the society we live in is going to be affected much more. Plus it was also again the second time this year I had a bit of non milk inside coffee to keep me getting it done, it did not help since feelings via music and the interview twitter commentary. 

It looks to be #AbolishTheMonarchy and yes I was up reading the reactions live from that interview while video editing until 3am last night and my god it was a big clear reminder of how a system works so backwardly

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) March 8, 2021

But non the less, work had to get involved and it was to finally sell the last PS5 and also order some bits from suppliers and its causing issue to even pay due that card, which just adds more stress. Especially as having to deliver a device then return later on to get another device to then deliver which was for end of this week, well supposed to be. 

But as there was signs of progress for my family with a somewhat normal return, it was sometimes learning about things and new realisations which could mean a lot of downward spiral and that was causing a hold up, this time of year can be a odd one normally but this year it hit hard and questions my own maybe sanity, its also where I've started to bring things up to myself about it and even make mistakes such as get a quote from a life insurance ad that tom.co.uk was spamming on my Facebook feed (which is supposed to be for dads)   and then it was that daunting conversation of spending £25 p/m (up to) for both life insurance and a critical illness cover that was only to last until I'm 70, even as a almost 30 year old straight edge incel, like actually the chap was fair but I could tell he was slightly wanting to sign me up but I explained about my lack of tolerance for insurance companies. But we ended the call eventually. 

I found out today that even a 28 year old that's never smoked, never been drunk and never had sex will still have a critical illness of £15 per month up to 70 years old which only pays out £30,000 then life insurance of £10 a month on top. Which again only pays out £57k if I die

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) March 10, 2021

Yes for some that is very good value but for me, the do i spend £7,000+ over 30 years on a basis to maybe get up to £30,000 if i get a critical illness, the MAYBE is the key.

 

(which is another reason that I do not feel ready to drive and I've had that stressful argument with myself and pressure about it last summer) and sometimes those anxious moments make bad choices and decisions. Like when i ended up applying for NHS therapy but did not proceed further when a reply required me to have a phone call about it, and I never used better help since the £150 i didn't feel right to spend  . 

That kinda says to me and proves to me insurance is just a set of companies and sector I want to ignore and never deal with, but then again I'll have no choice but to deal with them in future and it's going to be a fucking nightmare

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) March 10, 2021

As this was going on it turns out both parents have had the AZ vaccine, my dad did have a num arm and no sider effects, but my mum was wiped out and felt crap on the day after and yes, it can be common for this to happen BUT with the luck I get it means it will cause damage to the business but the only thing I felt safer is to have the PFizer vaccine when its available but there is a chance there is a just get given one which could cause that day or even WEEK if it happens, which since there is no responsibility for any side effect if it occurs, it basically fucks things up and either publicly announce the business will close due to vaccine side effect for x days (which is pretty much the easy way out but could cause backlash and lose reputation, maybe more than refusing customers that could pretty much cause the business to be breaching rules like the FALSE report of the place being open back in Nov 2020) or wait until the vaccine that I have been told that has caused no side effects is in stock locally or in the mass vaccination which should then make it easier to continue as normal. Also Bonus points that i could have the AZ vaccine after cycling to the place then lose control of the bike and crash/faint and then be in hospital so then causes more damage than its worth, Yes I could take a bus but remember that time I nearly collapsed/fainted when on a bus due to an energy drink, that could happen with any vaccine too...

Also my mum had the vaccine and feels I'll after, another period that I've got to make sure it's not the AZ one I have or I have to make sure to plan to close work for 2 days due to the AZ, I think and know it's for to be Pfizer to go for , even if it means waiting until August

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) March 10, 2021

But this was when that realisation hit me of so many things, such as that burning feeling up to 10 minutes after peeing to even the fact that pants get damp day in, day out, even if I'm not leaving the house, okay maybe its me being lazier that causes it, despite some of those days being days I'm cycling and doing visits for up to 12 hours, sometimes its the feelings I'm getting to try to work harder to make more money on a personal level but the real life work for the business butts in. Maybe this is to do with the Phimosis and well the fact I've still not sorted things out down there due to the lack of needing to, but will I ever just go and ask the right questions, sure the GP just said its better to leave it like it is than to get a circumcision but also Gracie said I really need to pester to try to get the NHS to sort it. 

Now then, With the soon to be anxiety, it was making me feel a bit edged out and that was causing distractions like oooh a new retro TMNT game, okay yes it did help with just me by myself to talk about these feelings and try to motivate myself and well it was time to, but this was shortly after the time that only 2 weeks ago, a carport was built and fitted via a local firm and well this was going to be a tricky time, plus Rosie wanted food and that meant she was getting snacks and might have eaten too many gravy bones to save her from needing to eat dentastix more than the 2 she's had already. The Cats food she was eating as well. 

I managed to have both of them quiet and sleeping sort of for when it was time to get the Ring light review started. This was not bad to film but well it has it moments with Rosie trying to distract me, Now this was delayed in editing as well, but the ring light performed better than I was expecting in most cases. 

The ring lights 

It is quite tall in the end 

Warm light selfies

Normal light selfies 

That cool light. 

That night the wind was chaotic and typing the blogpost up didn't go as nice as I wanted it too,  sadly the dog was being needy and wanting toilet and walkies and eating glass, but the carport pvc was actually banging the sides and the poles were loose which in the morning, it caused frustration and also made me feel no point to bother to go to the shop. So I didn't and aimed to get the blogpost finished as well as the start of the video editing in-between chores. 

when the brtitsh wind last night caused a carport to detach and made the dog and cat not finally sleep until 3am this morning, then having to rush to get up to fix it, fuck

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) March 11, 2021

But this was also bad news that one of my friends from work had passed away, she was a lovely customer that said and felt like I was a son to her and even when lockdown started last year, I still made effect to make sure sure was ok but her illness sadly caused more pain overtime and even back in November,  I went to bring flowers to her care home. She knew some truths I've not shared for a long time, maybe even ever, there was a level of trust and the last time I saw her was when I was dealing with the risk of having to move away which means further running to and from work which could end up being dangerous but also exhausting, so far that never happened. But it was the last thing me and her talked about, she did call me on the mobile a few times by accident, But the lockdown 2 and 3 means we still cant and well, its now too late. This was also time to go to work and have jeans off while video editing and turn the blanket as well as making bagel sandwiches too.

The hoodie used as a leg blanket 

The bagel, crisps and the cold baked beans from a few weeks ago not used .

So that was on my mind and well it was another time to keep working, but The UK was going to be shocked from what was really going to appear, With Sarah sadly murdered and kidnapped from a police officer. Listening and mourning was going to be important to learn from this, especially from people close to you and also my actions in the past have been of the 97% which all I can say is i've got a lot to learn and in a way, changed attitudes in small stages. 

Now this is on the top of the fact that I then managed to get another video filmed, which was the nice tutorial of the cooking of crispy seaweed which was lush too. Since the editing for this was a bit shorter and did not cut out due to the laptop running out of storage for me which is a pain in the ass for the most part. Rosie was distracted while the carport was being fixed too after I left work early but missed a UPS delivery because of that . 

Rosie n a derp state 

The crispy seaweed with the extras 

Once this was done. it was time to get the chores done with Dad  on Saturday , and that meant a late shopping for mothers day as well as maybe cooking something for lunch that day as well. This was the also time to get ah I needed and also small extras for me and Rosie too. Plus it was so nice to have a ham, mayo and onion toasted sandwich as well. But t was starting to show and crask with how the talking to myself was becoming more louder and more stressful too. 

The shopping in Tesco including the mother days presents 

More shopping in Lidl 

Then it was later on and I had a message to have me travel for a visit on that day , so it was time to get that done then it was a 3 hour visit which was a PC build and the windows to sort out from that board change. Eventually I was finally home after that and with call from family being worried due to this emergency of work. 

Thw toasted sandwches for that lunch 

Cycling in the dusk and dark sunset 

Then it was finally mothers day which was the case to finally have a bit of family time to also learn another side of family too, which as how stubborn my nan can be, but first after getting up and the chores done, My sister picked me up about 11:30 and we chatted and caught up on some topics . This was while having to pickup a special afternoon tea kit from a bakery near my work for £28.00. Eventually we got to nans and unloaded and were chatting. Then to was time to have mixes of mini buffet like food.

Then goody bag to take with us, 

The first plate of the Sunday afternoon tea . 

After this it was chatting and having to do some chores like WIFI setup for google home and also the m1 key setup for the landline which worked fine, but eventually by 4pm it was time me and dad went home and this was where the conversation was getting quote negative such as how both might have to go to a home f he does not improve in that regard even though he is trying is his hardest to get going and she needs to be things vent when she's being laid back but also in her own world. 

But then it was finally time to get some more work admin done due to the issues with the card then the final chance to finish this for the rest of the night and workout the stress of how direct debit is a nasty system and makes it uncertain on money and needs to be changed and the and in place to make these changes in work soon and even for  some home bills on my end . 

But that was it and well its time to continue things and hopefully work for a bonus on the online work, see you soon 

omracer 

The final weekend of Feburary - Lockdown Stage 20

 Well, things go for more change and work is starting to get back to what people are expecting me to do, some cases drop things to visit and family has ups and downs now. Which its time to get into that spirit of things to happen and plans are surely making some things to address, but working to make money for some real fun is to happen too. 

After Pancake Day, tech troubles

So it was going to the day after pancake day, which was for me trying to get back into the swing of things in work and see if i can really make some money, which was for the future and neither of us all would find out some of the best news  and nightmare for others that really would kick into it all for us. But my appetite was not as overdoing it as I would like, which means smaller snacks as lunches too. 

The Sweet Chilli ham cookie Sandwich

Pasty and Fairy Cake with Sweet Chilli

But these next few days were about to be an expensive mess, since it turns out the strap on the Bip S was starting to die and also Glass was slowly not being able to charge for when I wanted it to get some filming done as well. But Sadly it decided it would not charge even with a powerbank and even with seeing ifi could get it sorted. But even after taking it apart and having phone calls in between. No luck was given And Glass then  was turning on but the camera was not working as well as the touchpad, which means it was RIP Glass in this.

Glass in its box to rest

But it was looking for replacements and later on I manage to find one that was a good offer used and as of typing this, was paid and posted. But this was about to get a whole lot more of a stressful week. 

Customers were calling then well the call that happens which means yet again more PS5s to arrive and well 6 got paid for and the delivery was to be the pain in the ass in maximum at least. Since the delivery was when visits and the timing made it harder. But Well that was not the worst part, since that part was the Bip S Strap was Snapped and well it was using Tessa Tape to keep it alive for only a brief moment. 

The Straps and the Bip S 

But it was also a time to spend with mum and well she was going through some tough times with her parents and it is seemingly like my nan is really starting to lose herself, dementia is kicking in and that worries us all, but its more the plans to make sure what is needed is there and for others so losing out is the worst thing which is not to happen. But it was such a refresher going for a walk with her and hearing what she wants to do, since well, its a tough time and its not for everyone to deserve this to happen to them. Plus it was time for more of shopping as well, Tesco does have some deals at the best of times. 

Walking on the mores with the chats 

The tesco Shop with Daim Cake for £2....

Tessa Tape is ideal sometimes

A Wet working Weekender 

Sadly that did not last long as my journey across the town continued for and well it was the time to get the gif sorted out for the memes later on and well this day was LOOOOONGGG, it was over 5 visits and even cancelling one in that time plus the weather was getting soaked and in good timing, yes, PS5 Consoles were arriving into work. 

The Boxes for the big sales

There was a rule to have it bundled with a game and well that worked out a right treat for the customers, one picked up that same day and Then it was 4 more visits to go and also going back to one while the delivery was picked for too. After getting home in the rain by 8:30 it was one long day and also weekend of being in the shop since of the deliveries of those consoles need to be shifted pretty quickly. 

But it was then the Saturday and well it was good to finally get some organizing done and wait for consoles to be collected. Customers were urging on when the fucking interest list was to be released and also it was going to be more waiting in hopes of selling too. 

Booking in stock in work 

One of those moments with a PS4 and PS5 in stock at the same time, the boxes which was on the final day before that was then sold to a customer. Which then it was one last printer repair which after that, it was nearly 1pm and I was GONE. Finally to go home which felt good and the weather was getting better as well. 

The PS4 and PS5 next to each other. 

Which disaster struck with work and visits going back in swing, but it was nice to have mum back, even for just one day or so before soon we find out another bad truth has appeared. Which I also lucky to try to get done the online job to make sure some dreams are closer to coming true. But well, its what can be done. 

The Casserole

The Final Week of February 

But this was soon to be a choice on the future and plans to be a better feeder were about to hatch, well Tastecard, but looking into it, it means something actually more value for money and no government blame for eat out to help out. 

Also has anyone used Tastecard before

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) February 21, 2021

But that still involves money and well Saving was getting to the important part, since the work in real life means I had to can and delay work for getting extras in and luckily it did mean I had some money to handle by the end of the week which all of that was used for a bid later on. Which is to make sure the videos are better and I miss the first person perspective of vlogs too. 

This was now the time to find out the route the UK had taken next with the routes out of lockdown.  Which was not really announced in a statement but more house of commons and the trio of conferences. Which did make the effect less impacting except it was a Big impact, Freedom from lockdown from June 21st is the plan. But the gradual roll out of the vaccine is the key and well its also learning about the side effects that some have been having for 2 days after it was injected, but not with pfizer from what I have seen and heard. But we have to learn out stance from somewhere, so work for me returns on 12th April, which means that my life is going to return to some normal and yet also more risk alot of money in the time but that we can find out. 

also with the potential roadmap, gyms not opening means bigger bellies to see and rub in the future if lucky

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) February 22, 2021

That day was nice to just to online work and making some small meals and then it was also time to enjoy some test streams using Dolphin since finding out the 6 Pro E5100 can actually handle emulating Wii and that means I can finally start to enjoy it and well...

The lunch on that day

That means I can finally do some wii streams and Wii Sports was a nice attempt for this. So here we go with 3 sports to play. Tennis was fun but a bit laggy too since I was recording. 

Then we deal with the fin times of Golf which I finally get my highest score ever, Since its the trick shots i try for but Chip In I've never been as lucky with until now

Which leads to boxing, and the fun time of a big workout along with delayed audio lag too. But It finally meant i had a good workout from it.

The after workout selfie

But then the journey continued and it was then time to get some shopping done and also spend time with mum and attempt film a vlog but that sort of went out the window when the footage did not import into final cut pro. But Also the internet was shocked at a pineapple and beef toasted sandwich too. 

The Pineapple and Beef Toasted sandwich 

 

Empty boxes 

The Shopping total 

Horses While walking

Unloading the shopping

Which that was the main distraction too, but its weird how google Camera's 8.1 mod fails to let Final cut pro see it properly , but it was also the experiment to try to see if I could get opencore working on the Desktop, it did not sadly. But that was the best way to see if it would be easier to get a nice setup for video editing since the Dell is struggling to render 1080p videos at 60fps but just about 30 fps which is a tricky one to deal with. 

The Next 2 days was online work since it was time to get that sorted and worked out a bit nicely but iit does take that time to work and since a new set of work opened up, But it makes it harder since its almost a different breed of customer to deal with. So things have to pass and well, it means soon I will  be back to working like normal in month or so time. 

Half eaten Pasties for lunch.

The fish and chips 

a curried roast chicken mugshot

Then it was the final weekend and things were to be planned, Sure there was actually a delivery I was wating for and this was also the time of finding out now my grandad had hurt his back badly, which means he was unable to move, this was going to be a tough time since also nan is starting to lose herself, which means that the future is looking bleak. 

Instead It was time to some work and boy it was a long day of 3 visits and dogwalking in the video, even though that it was now evenings and nights to myself.. Which it means time to be able to do work and also get videos filmed too. Plus cooking tings was to be happening as well, for example the Friday was a nice mix of onions noodles, chips and more. But it was making me really feel full after cooking and eating them as well.

All Bran, noodles, onions, cornish pasty and more 

Plus while eating this, it was nice to watch wandavision and learn about the comics past and also made chatting much better since of seeing something that really made me happy too. Which is a positive thing to look forward to in the future, since there is this feeling of alot of negativity heading my way from family regarding the events happening, Which is a good thing I get the time to myself to help with the positives. That and the replacement strap for the Bip S is arriving and working fine. But the long day meant feeding the pets was tricky , especially as the cats water bowl smashed 

The replacement Bip S strap 

It was finally the weekend and it was a nice Shower to start the day off before walking Rosie, which the sky was blue and the air was a slightly wind and warm at the same time. Customers were booking me so it was knowing that I could not be able to get online work done as easy. But it was nice to be running and biking out and about, especially as soon the regular customers or some were about to come back.

The walk in the morning too 

But after a long day , I got back around 18:40 and well the dog needed another walk, But the moon was really low which was also a red one too. It looked great, but then it felt like I was not  being as productive as I should be. Since an old catfish wanted to chat and also I was baking a very new type of dish with gammon, burgers, chip, tomato and herb sauce too .

The moon and the sunset 

That meal reallly stuffed me

— Mattie LT Marker (@omracer) February 27, 2021

Halfway though the unique bake 

The result of the bake 

Then it leads to the Sunday, with arranging with the family to get thing helped out and spend time, which I did, but before that was yet more walking and also having to organise lifting a recliner out but that was hard when waiting for the right time but the cat escaped when we did that, even though he did not return home when I woke up but after walking the dog, I returned to see him on the table. 

Then after that , we went to lidl to pickup some small shopping then off to nans to having lunch with both and spend time with the grandparents while one was a sleep and one was not sure what to do with herself. The Roast is nice and the cheesecake one of nan's neighbours got was really tasty too. 

The shopping from Lidl at £8.04 

The Roast chicken for lunch 

The cheesecake from the neighbours 

Which then I got dropped off home around the 4:30 mark then it was time to walk Rosie before Dad left after and then it was the house to myself and the time to get this typed up as well. But this is looking like a scary new few weeks to determine a fate of someone's life, that is close to me and helped me a bit when I've not said how they have, I'm worried but also I need to try to be positive which dealing with Dad bringing the negative feelings, it gets really rough too. But there is some light at the end of the Tunnel somewhere but there will be some sad days ahead. 

The New Year Resolutions. 

I'll be honest and say well, there has been no update on any of them, lockdown is nearly 3 months and with the current timeline and theory has been strong and the family problems have made it much more scary to deal with. The only closet One I  can say is that I've started Scott Pilgrim, but I've had little motivation to finished that off too. 

• Stream more - This is a bit better than I  Thought, but not as many as   I Like  
• Catch up with the  accounts in work - Later this month I've got to crackle down on this 
• Be able to hug someone non work or family related - Its gong to be fun to hug after June 21st in theory . 
• Complete at least 2 games in a story mode  - Scott Pilgrim just about So far. 
• Do more Day out vlogs  - After March 29 it seems safe to this and well April 12 is going to be more freedom here. 
• Schedule/plan out days more -  This is not too bad, not as many pans written out 

But lets hope for a better March 

omracer